Why promising to love someone forever is unfair on both of you.

It sounds great to hear the words ” I love you” when it’s coming from a person we truly care about. When they promise to love us forever in a wedding vowel for instance the sound of that is music to our ears, our life is now perfect, we have found someone we feel we will love forever and they feel the same.


As unromantic as it sounds promising to love someone forever can’t be guaranteed and we are setting ourselves up and the other person up for disappointment. Love is a feeling like all other feelings they can come and go at anytime. We may feel we can control them in some way but if we look deeply within we will realise we can’t truly control our feelings. Making a promise on a feeling is like promising the next colour on the spin of a roulette wheel will come up black, we are just hoping but can’t guarantee it…


Up until recently and by that I mean the last couple 100 years marriage has always been about two families agreeing to marry off their offspring to the most logical partner which would benefit both families long term. These families of the past knew you can’t agree to business and make promises on a feeling, it must be made on logic, marriage was never meant to based on romance only logic.

We can promise to stay together, we can promise to raise kids together but we can’t promise to love each other forever…


We all feel like the same person day in day out, year in year out we feel like a fixed, stable entity yet when we look at our actual experience we are always changing. The cells in our bodies are constantly being replaced so we can’t be our bodies. Our thoughts , feelings and beliefs are always changing so we can’t be those. The only thing that doesn’t change from birth until death is the sense that we know we are alive experiencing life.

In the moment that we say ” I love you” or “I’ll love you forever” yes in that exact moment we truly meant it, that version of us meant it, but every second, hour, day, year etc a new version of us appears with different thoughts and feelings…the version of you that promised to love someone forever isn’t the version that can’t live up to it…


Why it’s important to understand this topic is because it takes away a lot of the guilt and shame we feel if we stop loving someone else. It also gives us some understanding if someone stops loving us. Understanding all this doesn’t make the pain of a break up any better and it’s not an excuse not to try and fix it and work on a relationship, the whole point is feelings like everything else in life come and go, there is no real control only the illusion of it so we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves or others if we can’t live up to our promises even when trying our best to…

Nothing in life can be grasped or clung on to, trying to always leads to frustration. If you love someone enjoy every moment of it and I hope it does last forever but if it doesn’t it’s not your fault or their fault when we look deeply enough. I’ll leave it at that.

Thanks for reading guys and have a lovely day.

Simon Coleman.

2 Replies to “Why promising to love someone forever is unfair on both of you.”

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