Avoiding outer conflict leads to inner conflict.

Conflict, most people hate it, most people try to avoid it at all costs but conflict in a way can be a productive thing, people that have the ability to disagree, to argue and to come to an agreement not only learn how to learn to deal with conflict better in the future but it also helps the two parties in conflict grow closer and understand each other better.

” Be a nice person, don’t cause trouble” we may have been told that at a young age, or tell ourselves that if we believe we are a ” good” or ” nice” person and it’s true, we shouldn’t go around causing trouble, but sometimes we can take it too far, sometimes we can feel that speaking up for what we want is causing trouble, let me explain.

I personally grew up trying to please people constantly, I always thought that being a nice person meant being agreeable and putting others needs first, doing so doesn’t seem to cause conflict and makes others happy. The problem with this way of acting and thinking though is that you can take it too far and start ignoring your own needs and desires.

When we have this sought of people pleasing mentality many times we misinterpret what the word ” selfish” means, we can interpret it to mean that anytime we have differing thoughts and opinions from other people, anytime we put our wishes and desires before others that we are being selfish and that’s really not true.

Conflict not dealt with in the outside world doesn’t go away, it just goes inward, it goes inside of us and can build up over time and turn into resentment. The most loving thing we can do for ourselves and other people in our lives isn’t to do everything for them, isn’t to constantly agree with them even when we think it’s wrong, the most loving thing we can do for others and ourselves is just to be honest no matter how ugly or bad the truth seems.

What I’m saying gets back to another post that I posted earlier titled ” don’t try to be a good person” in that post I was trying to say that performing nice or good acts not because we want to but because we feel we need to, because that’s what a good person would do, isn’t really being nice at all.

I’ve struggled most of my life with this, there is a variety of reasons why which would probably fill a book, but the point I’m trying to get at with this post and with the spiritual path in general is that we are human, we are flawed by design, trying to act a certain way to please others, or to avoid conflict because we disagree isn’t helping anyone, we are trying to put others needs first ignoring the fact that we are a person too, we are really being selfish to ourselves and by not being honest with others we are hurting them too.

The biggest gift we can give ourselves and others is honesty, no matter how ugly the truth is. I’ve said in a past post that I don’t mind grumpy people, I don’t mind them because I know they are being genuine and honest, people don’t fake angry but they fake nice all the time. The ability to deal with conflict, the ability to say what you feel or want shows strength, it’s shows you are being genuine, people don’t like good people, people like genuine people.

Anything can be taken to an extreme, putting others needs first all the time will cause resentment, putting our owns needs first all the time will make people disappear from us pretty quickly too if we do it at all costs. Like everything else in life it needs a balance. The best thing we can do is be clear on our morals, values, views on life and what we expect from others. Once we are clear on all those things we must never comprise on those things, doing so will lead us down the road I was talking about, a road of resentment, a road of internalising conflict rather than speaking up and it won’t help our personal life, trust me, anyone who has this bad habit of acting and thinking would know what I’m talking about..

That’s all from me. Thanks for reading, liking and subscribing guys, wishing you all a great day.

Simon Coleman.

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